Quick Update:

Back to 119, after a day up at 120 which was super annoying. Yeah, I try to tell myself the whole Lose-It-Slowly-To-Keep-It-Off thing, but I am greedy and need to see change fasssst...

Last night at work I was dead on my feet - luckily it was slow but I thought I was going to drop plates a couple of times. I am going to therefore try for a bit of protein today, the 400 in the 2468 plan.

I also went over to C's apartment and brought him pizza from work - yes I had to walk with a hot pepperoni pizza smelling soooo - i don't know, kind of good, mostly scary! Anyway, ever since he moved into this place (he was living with his parents in a tiny apartment since coming back from his deployment), we have gone through some subtle changes. Now, when we hang out, we don't go straight to his room... so we're getting to know each other in a different way. He gave me 2 8x10 photos... of himself... from a weekend away with his friends. If that wasn't strange enough, he is holding a giant crazy machine gun in both pictures. I am not sure what to do with them? Haha... so weird.

Plan for today:
Tea (right now) = 0
French Country salad at Cheesecake Factory (without pecans) = 120 (lettuce, asparugus, goat cheese, vinaigrette)
Salad at work = 60 (iceberg, onions, red pepper, vinegar)
Pria bar = 80

And we'll see what else happens... this gives me room for a non-fat latte yay :)

For some reason when I weighed myself this morning I had gone up!! I'm so pissed and upset! I've been walking everywhere lately - Friday 5.6 miles, Saturday 4.8 miles - and I've been restricting and I just don't get it!!!

Now I am at 120 and starting 2468 - I have it planned out to the hour pretty much and by Thursday I'm supposed to get to 115. I don't even know if it's physically possible but I am doing the best I know how to get there and I just have to stay positive - like -

Whether you think you can or can't, you're right.

Haven't heard from C since yesterday at noon - and he usually calls or texts every night. He's out of town with his friend so I need to just trust that they were bombed or something... It's not that I really worry he's with someone else - I mean, he could be, but there's nothing I can do about that... And I truly believe he isn't. But it's more hurtful to think he's not thinking of me or he doesn't care - And how does he know I'm not with some other guy? He says he trusts me and doesn't want to act on raw emotions by asking all these questions or checking my phone and sutff - and it's not like I want him to be psycho about it. But I work at a bar, come home really late, it just seems like him not checking in shows he doesn't really care what I'm doing, whether I'm safe, who I am with...

Ugh I always let these thoughts creep into my head, but so far I haven't done anything about it. I wish I was strong enough to just up and leave and cut him out of my life so I wouldn't have this reason to be insecure all the time. Well, my new job is sort of helping because there's so many new people, it's like I can start over, and I could just make new friends and forget him...

Which I don't really want to do - I have fallen so hard for him and when we're together it's amazing and I know he cares, I just let myself freak out about it... Well, we'll see what happens tonight and this week. If he doesn't come visit me at the new bar, that will tell me all I need to know. He has 6 chances, that oughta be enough, right?

I hate letting anger get the better of me... but it's motivation for me too...

Well, here it is, my first journal entry.

Today is going alright. I ate a frozen meal, 170 cals, had a handful of popcorn, 30 cals, and an iced grande sugar-free caramel non-fat latte, 80 cals. (Yes, I have that starbucks order down to the point where I've been asked if I worked there. Sigh, no... I just am stupidly picky about what I get. But it makes sense! Who wants the sugar in the syrup or whole milk or whatever? Sheesh.)

The boy, C, who makes up, I don't know, 40% of my thoughts (food being 50% and the other 10%... i don't know), is out of town with his best friend. I am feeling ok because he texted me twice last night while I was sleeping and I haven't responded yet. My relationship with him is like my one with food. Really wish I didn't crave it - and the less I go after it the better I feel... but in all honesty I am really crazy about him...

I have had tons of boyfriends... most of whom I really was into at one point, but this is a little different. I think as I get older I am narrowing down what I really want from a relationship - like what I need, what I can live without, what I can overlook, all those things. So each relationship has more and more potential because I'm making better decisions about who I get involved with... so, scarily, I am losing a bit of control here because I do like him so much.

More on him as time goes on, i am SURE.

I walked 2 miles today to get my car from the tow lot (yay for street cleaning) and I am going to work in a couple of hours (waitressing) so I'll be on my feet for a long time. Planning to have a plain salad before work, and maybe an 80 cal pria snack bar during my shift, depending on how I feel.

Phew that was long and pointless...